The Cost of Ambition

There's a question that I've pondered countless times over my 38 years of life. Is it better to be one of the lucky ambitious? Or is it better to be one of those who simply seem content to stay wherever they land in life, doing the same thing day after day? The same thing that those of us who have a hard time standing still as ambition tugs at our minds and bodies, can hardly imagine or grasp.

I have three sons, all of them bright, intelligent, and beautiful. My second son, Arryn, seems to have gotten the ambition bug, not unlike my own, though I've never been able to achieve all that he has so far. He sets the bar for himself so high that sometimes I can't even see it. Even as he inspires me to push farther and higher, I sometimes worry. How can he truly achieve something that looks so far out of reach? And if he misses that mark will he crumble to pieces, feeling like he's failed in spite of the miraculous things he's achieved along the way?

He's graduating high school this year and since he spent his junior year first in his class, set his ambitious gaze on being class of 2023 valedictorian. Despite struggling at times with social anxiety and the tremendous pressure that he puts on himself to be the best at everything he does, he blows it out of the park so much of the time that I sometimes even I become accustomed to it.

Like anything in life, things are usually easier to see when I'm staring at someone else instead of my own reflection in the mirror. I too, put so much emphasis on being great that I forget to appreciate my successes along the way. I used to stare at my computer screen and tell myself that if I only managed to finish one book and get it published then I would feel like I'd done something meaningful in my life and I could then start to go easy on myself and stop feeling like I hadn't accomplished enough.

I finished one book, then another, and another.

Only after having written three manuscripts did I finally have the courage to put the first one out there to feel for publishing options. Today, I have one book in print, a second book that will be released in the next few months, another in the process of being published, and three more completed manuscripts that are waiting for me to decide what to do with them. It's been less than two years since I began the first one. Yet when I wake up in the morning, I don't think, Wow, look what I've done. Instead, I berate myself for not having risen earlier since I have four more stories I'm working on, as well as having countless other details around the publishing process that I need to do. Always needing the next high and never quite taking the time to really truly appreciate all that I've accomplished.

I've told myself that it's okay, that I'll rest and celebrate when I become a bestselling author. That I'll stop to breathe it in when I'm TRULY successful. And even when people point out how amazing it is that I am where I'm at, I brush it off and think that it's okay since someday I'll really feel successful. But today I saw how that ambition has already begun to relive itself in my own flesh and blood.

My first born, Jordan is the most talented artist I've ever met. Yet he shrugs his shoulders when told it and talks of how much more he needs to do before he can really be seen or recognized as such. The job he wants is forever just out of reach, not because he's allowed himself to ask for it, but because he believes he always has to accomplish one more thing before he deserves to ask for it.

This morning Arryn's high school counselor called me to congratulate him because he is salutatorian. I could see the disappointment on his face in a moment where he should have been extremely proud of his success. The fact that he was even in the running for valedictorian is amazing, especially considering all that he's been through in the past four years.

He was one of the Covid-19 distance learning kids that still managed to maintain his grades and education in spite of everything that the chaos of the world threw at him. Then we moved across the country twenty-four hundred miles from his friends halfway through high school. He did his junior and senior years in a new school with new faces and a completely different culture than he was raised in. To be told that he's number two in a group of five hundred should make him feel proud.

As a mom who was "home schooled" and never really had the best education, I'm blown away. (My parent's version of home school was to teach us with what few books they could find or get their hands on.) I had to study hard at twenty two to get my GED in order to attend college classes. In my mind, my own children learning enough to graduate high school and be prepared for college at eighteen is amazing. And here MY son is salutatorian! What a beautiful achievement!

And yet this morning I'm reminded of how my own ambition and how I choose to see or rather not see my wins, has passed to him. My inability from inside my own ambition to see how far I've come and how much I've achieved, passing on to him. In a moment where he might be filled with joy at the representation of his hard work and dedication, he feels defeated.

I'm reminded of the question I've always had. Is it better to be ambitious, or easily contented in one's life?

While ambition is a wonderful tool that has propelled humankind forward in all aspects of life, it is also extremely important that we take the time to appreciate our wins and how far we've come. To relish in the spoils or rather the reward of our successes and accept what we've accomplished. For what good is ambition or the successes that come with it if we can't even fully enjoy them?

So this is me, lifting a glass, cheering with pride and joy. To my son Arryn, You have worked long and hard not only to graduate but to excel at highschool in a way that I could only imagine! You've done it! You've hit the highest mark and then some! I'm extremely proud of you and your accomplishments!

To my son Jordan, you amaze me every day! The way you pick up a pencil and a simple piece of paper or your Ipad and in moments render out a realistic sketch that blows my mind every time. I'm so proud of all you've become. You may spend the next twenty years honing your skill even more but don't feel that you have to do that outside of your dream job. Showing what you can do and asking for what you want is only a sliver of what you deserve!

Last but not least, cheers to me for having the courage to begin writing again and then sharing those words with the world. God knows that I've

had my fears and insecurities with it and still do every day. So the fact that I continue to write and put myself out there every day is a miracle in and of itself.

Every one of us as humans are the brilliant result of our ambition and need to succeed, or our gentle touch with the clarity of realizing exactly where we deserve to make our mark. Our wins deserve to be celebrated and cherished.

The cost of ambition for me has been my inability to stop and truly take in and appreciate what I've accomplished so far. Each of us humans has something we've done that's deserving of a pat to the back. A shoulder offered in comfort to another. A mother sacrificing her body for the love of a child. An accomplished goal. A talent, whether naturally born or come by with the sweat of hard work and determination. A father passing on his legacy to his children. A kind word or smile to a stranger. The sacrifice of ones own safety for a greater purpose.

Every one of us, has not only the ability to achieve anything we set our minds to, but also everything deserved to be proud of what we've accomplished. We are all beautiful humans and what we do with that matters. It is, in my opinion, the best thing about humankind. So, celebrate your kind hearts, your ambitious minds, the goals achieved, your willingness to offer yourself up to a cause bigger than you, your ability to face fear and put yourself out there in a real way, because we are all amazing!